So I’ve realized that there are a lot of things that cross my mind that I never feel compelled to just jot down so I don’t forget. This could be anything from what I need to tell Mom to get at Walmart, reminding myself to unload the dryer, or things I want to tell someone. Now, I don’t really care about these reminders about daily chores but when I repeat certain phrases over in my head 10-20 times a day, I think there is some significance to what I am thinking, yes? So I’ve compiled a list of things I sometimes wish I could tell Trick but I know I never would.

1. You have no idea what I went through these last two months. I was so happy, I was in paradise just knowing I could call you mine and knowing that you loved me. And then what did you do? You told me you weren’t sure if you loved me with all your heart, that you had to get experience dating but you still loved me. So I waited. Two months of agonizing doubt; Does he love me? Will he come back? Why hasn’t he realized that we can’t be happy without each other? There was not one day through that entire length of time where I felt totally confident in us for the entire day. I could spend the morning on a high from the night before when we had such a great time but then as soon as I got to school and began walking to class, I start thinking. I have never been more miserable in my life. Not when I found out my supposed boyfriend was dating one of my good friends, not when I had to move from CJ and leave behind *everything* I knew, not when it finally hit me that I was done with managing bball… Never. I was in autopilot for days on end. I couldn’t pay attention in class, which caused me to fail an entire section in math--stuff I learned in high school. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. The only solice I found those months was sleeping and even then I had to lie in bed, waiting for sleep to take me, remembering all the ways I use to be able to help myself fall asleep, all the ways I couldn’t utilize anymore. You have no idea what those two months were like for me.

2. You broke my heart. But you did so much more than that. You broke me, you demolished me, you ruined me. I was happy in my ignorance. I had no idea how great love could be and I was just fine being your friend. But you made me fall in love with you. I made you my life, you were everything to me, I never lied about that. And you said such beautiful things, wrote such amazing notes. You said you loved me. You said forever, always… You thought I was beautiful. You said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. I gave you my first kiss. That was so very important to me and I gave it to you, because you were the man I wanted for the rest of my life. I was going to give up everything for you. And your love for me just ‘went away’? The kind of love you made me think you had does not just ‘go away’. You lied to me. You made me think you cared. But you’re just another idiot teenage boy who had no idea what he wants. You made me into someone totally new. I really liked the woman you made me into but then you took her away. In September, she died. I was confident and nice and caring and fun and more outgoing than I had ever been before. And you ruined that. The second you said we weren’t dating, that me died, your Ginny died. She was replaced by a loner--more than I have ever been. I’m moody and quiet and numb and I find it difficult to care about anything. Before I met you, I was okay on my own. I was strong and self-sufficient and confident. You let me be someone I had never been before and then when you left, you took her with you and I can’t go back to what I was before you. She’s gone and so is your Ginny. I have no reason to trust you or any other man. Never again will I be so accepting of a relationship and I know that the next time anyone says they love me, I won’t believe them. Sure, I like myself again now that I know for certain I didn’t deserve you but I have no reason to trust that anyone else would like me.

3. I regret kissing you. I don’t regret loving you. It was so wonderful and worth every bit of pain, at the time. But knowing that it was a one-sided love, it kind of diminishes what we had… or rather, what I had. But kissing you… That meant so much to me. I kissed you because I loved you more than anything and because I thought it would only be the first of a lifetimes-worth. I’m not the kind of person that just dates ‘for experience’ or because its expected of me. And I am really not the kind of person that would just go around kissing every boy I go out with; Heck, I won’t even *hug* my *friends*. So if hugging is that special for me, you can imagine how special a kiss was for me. I thought it was special at the time, but now I know it wasn’t. I gave you the most important thing I could and you weren’t worth it. A boy who doesn’t love me does not deserve my first kiss.

4. You ruined us. Sure, I knew it was coming as early as September but I didn’t want to face it. We don’t talk, we don’t laugh… I use to call you my best friend but I can’t give you that status anymore. You’re no different than any casual acquaintance. You might as well be one of the people I see in class that I’ll say a few words to before ignoring the rest of the hour. We use to talk for hours on end. Now, I’m lucky if we can talk for one hour. Usually, I go to bed because I can’t stand how much our relationship has changed. Sometimes, I say I’m going to bed just to see if you care enough to ask me to stay, or ask why I’m leaving so early, instead of just saying ‘night’.

5. I was planning on mailing back your bouncy ball and the necklace. My first idea was to send a note with it that said ’Here’s you love back. Enjoy it.’ But then I decided not to. Today I picked a better note. ’There are three things the glitter stands for. One, how many times you lied to me. Two, all the times you make me feel unworthy. And three, all the times I still wish you were mine.’ It briefly crossed my mind to just skip a step and mail them to Caitlyn with the note ‘I believe these are yours.’ but she isn’t the one who hurt me.

6. I argue with flair and songs. All those flair you sent me so long ago… the cute, sweet romantic things you sent to me… I read through those thinking “Ha. Liar.” “Hm, apparently not.” “Forever is a lot shorter than I thought it was.” And at work, songs play over the radio that are just cute love songs and I argue back “He’s lying, honey, don’t believe him. He doesn’t love you.”

7. I still love you. No matter what you do to me, what you put me through, I will always love you. You’re no longer the man I fell in love with but I’m not the girl you fell in love with either. Well, technically, you didn’t fall in love but I’m not the girl you supposedly fell in love with. I’ve gotten over the fact that you hurt me. I didn’t deserve to be broken like that but it happened anyway and I didn’t deserve to lose the one person in my life I truly, honestly cared about but I did. I’m okay now, knowing for sure that you don’t love me. Well, as okay as one can be. I’m not sure what I would say if you ever decided you did want me back but I know that right now, you’re still the only man I want. I can’t imagine even smiling at any other guy. I can’t see how I’ll ever be willing to let a guy hold my hand or how I’ll ever be able to stop comparing every male to you. And let me tell you, the comparisons never come out in their favor. But know that no matter what happens in the future, I will never again give up my life for you. You can never again be the most important thing in my life and you will have to work your butt off before I will ever believe what you tell me.

8. You taught me how to love and how to hurt. You taught me how to believe in someone and how to think everything is a lie. You taught me how to believe in myself and how to believe I don’t deserve love. And after all the pain you caused me, most importantly, you taught me that no one is worth giving up my individuality. I am special and beautiful and strong and intelligent on my own and I don’t need you, or anyone else, around to remind me. You taught me that its not worth it to give someone all your love.

9. I keep rememebering a quote I once read, "If two lovers can remain friends, one of two things is true. Either they're still in love, or they never were." And I wonder... what if one is still in love and the other never was? How does the one in love learn to just... deal with that? How can they remain friends with someone they love when every day it is just rubbed in their face that he is in love with someone else and he is happy without her? I can never decide which I want; Do I want to hear about how happy you are and about everything that happened in your day and everything about her? Or do I want to just block it all out because it hurts so much to know you kissed her, to know you have so much fun with her, and to know that she loves you almost as much, or even as much as I do? I talk to her and I like her, really, she is a great person to talk to and to have fun with and I'm not mad with her in the least. And I hear about you from her, hear that she is happy with you, that you are romantic and funny and you let her take your picture, hear that you hold her and you talk for hours... It hurts so much to hear everything but I can't help but listen and love every word I hear because it is something about you. And I know I would probably feel better faster if I didn't keep shoving it in my face that you're perfectly happy without me but I just can't stop myself. Sometimes I think I would be better off if we just stopped talking; And you say it would hurt you but I honestly, truely believe it wouldn't phase you if we just stopped talking. When I was upset and worried that you didn't care anymore--how ironic--, you use to tell me that I had not been replaced. But I have, even if you don't see it. Now, she is everything to you that I use to be. It doesn't matter if I'm around anymore because she has taken my place.

10. And yet, I can't help thinking, if she means so much to you... If you gave up on us to be with her, why do you still keep things from her? You use to tell me everything; Big, small, important, trivial, fun, happy, depressing, boring, random... It didn't matter, you told me anyway. But you've said more recently to me that there are things she doesn't know about, things that, for the most part, I do know about. So why doesn't she know? Of course, the question also arises of why you don't tell me everything anymore but that question is easily answered by 'Our relationship isn't as important as it use to be, even though it apparently wasn't too deep to start with.' But even so... If you didn't love me and yet still shared so much of your life with me, why will you not share it with her even though she supposedly has your love?

Alright, I totally meant to update this last night at 8:47 but I was too busy being bored to remember. Actually, I probably would have updated this journal thing like a month ago but I wanted to be able to say I hadn't updated my DA journal in a year. Well, I can say that now. But now its been a year and almost 21 hours. I guess I should probably say something about what has happened in the last year, since I haven't said anything since last September.

Well, here's a quick sum up:
Met one of my best friends, RPed a lot, half-managed cross country, found a job at Little Caesars, fell in love, got my first boyfriend, managed basketball for the last year (*tear*), graduated, went on a Carribean cruise with female members of my family, went to CA and OR, got my first kiss, lost weight--or so people keep telling me, met two more of my good friends--my sisters ^^--, started college, wore about 5 or 6 different dresses willingly, said goodbye to two friends unwillingly, said goodbye to one willingly, got my heart broken, did some homework, watched a bunch of chickflicks, started searching for another job, started listening to more than just country music, and started a new time-travel RP site.

It's been an eventful year, to be sure. But right now I'm just sitting around home because college is boring and I have very little homework. My parents are off to Vegas celebrating their 20th anniversary so Nathan and I are stuck with eachother and the dog for a weekend.

OH! And happy birthday to my good friend Paul! I'm so proud of you!

So... yup. That's about it. Maybe I'll update again before next September. Maybe.

The rules:
-Choose a singer/band/group.
-Answer using only song titles by that singer/band/group.
-Tag at least 6 people.

George Strait? Gives me a looooot of options.

•Are you male or female?
-"Gone as a Girl Can Get"

•Describe yourself?
-"Troubador"

•What do people feel when they're around you?
-"What's Going on in Your World"

•How would you describe your previous relationship?
-"You Still get to me"

•How would you describe your current relationship?
-"Is it That Time Again"

•Where would you want to be now?
-"Ocean Front Property"

•How do you feel about love?
-"What Did You Expect me to do"

•What's your life like?
-"There's a New Kid in Town

•What would you ask if you had only one wish?
-"Love Without End, Amen"

•One wisdom phrase?
-"Faults and All"

I want to try and turn my DA Journal into a prayer journal. I know I've never really been the most spiritual person but recently I've had an experience that taught me how much prayer helps out. I would really appreciate it if you would add your own reply, praying or just well-wishes.

Prayer requests:
1. Jenn -- something's up... a friend I think
2. Jenn -- she needs some patience and understanding
3. Chuck -- new job at another school, coaching and English, maybe coaching a team with my school *and* his new one, he needed the job
4. Davis family -- their son went missing yesterday and turned up in another state around 4:30 today
5. Coach Williams -- won't have his son, Chuck, around helping him coach anymore
6. Jon -- just moved in with his dad, still having a hard time, hurts himself almost constantly both intentionally and accidentally, just lost a friend
7. Lee -- rough past, pray he keeps away from it, needs better grades
8. All friends who aren’t Christians

Dear God I want to pray for Jennifer. She’s just having a really stressful time right now. So many things have been happening all at once. And it only makes it worse that teachers don’t seem to realize just how much us kids have on our plates already. I pray that whatever is wrong with her friend would just be resolved and that Jennifer can again look up to that girl. I pray that she finds patience and understanding with all the things going on, especially with me. I am just so mean to her sometimes, intentionally, when I know how bad things are. I pray that she can find forgiveness for those that have hurt her. Lord, I also want to pray for Coach and Chuck. He finally got a great job he needed and wanted so badly but it takes him away from all of us here at CH and especially his dad. Chuck’s just always been around for Coach and I hate to think what it will be like without him but I pray he has a great experience there, doing what he loves. I also pray that his new school and CH get together to form a soccer team so I can still see him. I really want to lift up the Davis family. I guess they woke up Monday morning to find Kaison gone and spent over 36 hours worrying about his safety. The entire school prayed for him and his family all day and I know you heard it God, because you led him home to us again. I pray that whatever drove him to leave, if it was running away, that you open him up and give him to knowledge that he is loved and always will be. I pray for Jon, that he will find peace with his dad, that he will finally understand that you are what makes life worth living, not friends or anything else, just you. God, I pray for Lee. He is doing so great right now, doing homework and learning from past mistakes. I pray that you keep him on that path and continue to use Jennifer and I to speak through. Last of all, I pray that you use me to help guide my friends to you, that you guild me and show me the right thing to say. I praise you and thank you for everything great in my life you have given me. In your name, Amen.

Perfect day to find out, I guess. In Chapel today Mrs. James talked about forgiveness, and how, if life were fair, we'd all go to Hell but life isn't fair so we get to go to Heaven... Well, irrigardless of how eternally thankful you may be that life isn't fair, there are always points in life that just seem so unfair that it just can't really be happening. I've had a few of those in my life. I moved from the only place I had known for 14 years, my grandpa had open-heart surgery, and one of the most amazing guys I know may be leaving my life...

I'm not ganna say his name cause it is his decision whether he wants to be known on here or not so, I'll just call 'im Roscoe. Weird name to pick? I have a reason. A few brief notes on Roscoe: assistant bball and soccer coach, substitute teacher for any school in the area that will call him, wants a full-time teaching job.

Anyway... I was in PE class today, talking to my coach before Jenn came back and we could go get to work. Just as Jenn came in, I was telling him who Jenn and I saw yesterday. I explained why we had seen Roscoe and somehow, the topic was raised that he might be getting a full-time job with coaching positions in soccer and bball. Coach said he would know tomorrow but, later, Roscoe clarified and said it would be the middle of this week sometime. We argued that, no that couldn't happen, we couldn't lose our Roscoe. But, Jenn and I went off to do our work, which was finished rather quickly and then we simply sat in Coach's office, thinking in silence. Never a good idea. Jenn tried many positions, eventually settling under a green tub which I found her under when I returned from preparing a cup of tea in the kitchen.

We went back into the gym, each taking a method of coping with the news. I sat behind the sound booth and watched the game of whiffle ball our PE class was playing, trying to make myself laugh at the kids' antics. Jenn took to pacing the bleachers. A few times my eyes watered up but I cleared it away quickly. But, Coach suddenly sang out a line from one of my favorite country songs: "Just to see you smile." My thought process?: "Smile... Ah, Roscoe! *cry*" And then the rest of the song played through my head and I had to look down so I could focus on not crying.

After school was track practice and, being simply one of three managers present, I was unnessicary. I lay my head down on my bball jacket and stared into nothing. My cousin began questioning me about what was wrong and eventually had to revert to yes/no questions. At one point, one of the coaches walked by and asked me if I was alright. I just told him no and he let it go. I appriciated it. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it--except Jenn--until I could talk to Roscoe. A few other people eventually asked me what was wrong but I refused to say. I got my job done so there was no need to push the situation further.

I even went as far as to ask our principal why he couldn't hire Roscoe. It was the only logic I could process at that time; I had to know why my school, the one he spent so much time coaching for, couldn't hire him. He answered that in order to hire someone, there had to be an open position. But, he said he wasn't opposed to the idea. I so badly wanted to tell him "So make an opening," but I didn't. I simply nodded and walked off.

When I finally got home around 6, I signed on msn and, luckily, Roscoe was online. I messaged him with "So why didn't you tell us?" which, now that I hear it again, was very harsh. Roscoe explained and I felt bad for accusing him like that. I would have done the same... It just felt so wrong being informed through Roscoe's dad, and not through him. We talked for a bit, telling eachother how sad it was he might leave and when I would get to see him. I asked him to do me a favor: I wanted him to call me as soon as he knew whether he had the job or not and he said he would but that he would probably come tell his dad if he got it.

*sigh* As much as I love my personal bubble, I *need* a hug... Closure, you could call it but I am not entirely sure what that means. He was... *is* my Roscoe... I can't lose him, I don't want to lose him. I don't even want to try to imagine next year without him but I keep doing it anyway.
Lonely practices, talking to no one but Jenn... no more silly jokes, long, drawnout hiiiiiiii's, ice coffee stories, random noises thrown into normal conversations... No more Roscoe... I don't know that I can handle that. But I guess I have to.