So I’ve realized that there are a lot of things that cross my mind that I never feel compelled to just jot down so I don’t forget. This could be anything from what I need to tell Mom to get at Walmart, reminding myself to unload the dryer, or things I want to tell someone. Now, I don’t really care about these reminders about daily chores but when I repeat certain phrases over in my head 10-20 times a day, I think there is some significance to what I am thinking, yes? So I’ve compiled a list of things I sometimes wish I could tell Trick but I know I never would.

1. You have no idea what I went through these last two months. I was so happy, I was in paradise just knowing I could call you mine and knowing that you loved me. And then what did you do? You told me you weren’t sure if you loved me with all your heart, that you had to get experience dating but you still loved me. So I waited. Two months of agonizing doubt; Does he love me? Will he come back? Why hasn’t he realized that we can’t be happy without each other? There was not one day through that entire length of time where I felt totally confident in us for the entire day. I could spend the morning on a high from the night before when we had such a great time but then as soon as I got to school and began walking to class, I start thinking. I have never been more miserable in my life. Not when I found out my supposed boyfriend was dating one of my good friends, not when I had to move from CJ and leave behind *everything* I knew, not when it finally hit me that I was done with managing bball… Never. I was in autopilot for days on end. I couldn’t pay attention in class, which caused me to fail an entire section in math--stuff I learned in high school. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. The only solice I found those months was sleeping and even then I had to lie in bed, waiting for sleep to take me, remembering all the ways I use to be able to help myself fall asleep, all the ways I couldn’t utilize anymore. You have no idea what those two months were like for me.

2. You broke my heart. But you did so much more than that. You broke me, you demolished me, you ruined me. I was happy in my ignorance. I had no idea how great love could be and I was just fine being your friend. But you made me fall in love with you. I made you my life, you were everything to me, I never lied about that. And you said such beautiful things, wrote such amazing notes. You said you loved me. You said forever, always… You thought I was beautiful. You said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. I gave you my first kiss. That was so very important to me and I gave it to you, because you were the man I wanted for the rest of my life. I was going to give up everything for you. And your love for me just ‘went away’? The kind of love you made me think you had does not just ‘go away’. You lied to me. You made me think you cared. But you’re just another idiot teenage boy who had no idea what he wants. You made me into someone totally new. I really liked the woman you made me into but then you took her away. In September, she died. I was confident and nice and caring and fun and more outgoing than I had ever been before. And you ruined that. The second you said we weren’t dating, that me died, your Ginny died. She was replaced by a loner--more than I have ever been. I’m moody and quiet and numb and I find it difficult to care about anything. Before I met you, I was okay on my own. I was strong and self-sufficient and confident. You let me be someone I had never been before and then when you left, you took her with you and I can’t go back to what I was before you. She’s gone and so is your Ginny. I have no reason to trust you or any other man. Never again will I be so accepting of a relationship and I know that the next time anyone says they love me, I won’t believe them. Sure, I like myself again now that I know for certain I didn’t deserve you but I have no reason to trust that anyone else would like me.

3. I regret kissing you. I don’t regret loving you. It was so wonderful and worth every bit of pain, at the time. But knowing that it was a one-sided love, it kind of diminishes what we had… or rather, what I had. But kissing you… That meant so much to me. I kissed you because I loved you more than anything and because I thought it would only be the first of a lifetimes-worth. I’m not the kind of person that just dates ‘for experience’ or because its expected of me. And I am really not the kind of person that would just go around kissing every boy I go out with; Heck, I won’t even *hug* my *friends*. So if hugging is that special for me, you can imagine how special a kiss was for me. I thought it was special at the time, but now I know it wasn’t. I gave you the most important thing I could and you weren’t worth it. A boy who doesn’t love me does not deserve my first kiss.

4. You ruined us. Sure, I knew it was coming as early as September but I didn’t want to face it. We don’t talk, we don’t laugh… I use to call you my best friend but I can’t give you that status anymore. You’re no different than any casual acquaintance. You might as well be one of the people I see in class that I’ll say a few words to before ignoring the rest of the hour. We use to talk for hours on end. Now, I’m lucky if we can talk for one hour. Usually, I go to bed because I can’t stand how much our relationship has changed. Sometimes, I say I’m going to bed just to see if you care enough to ask me to stay, or ask why I’m leaving so early, instead of just saying ‘night’.

5. I was planning on mailing back your bouncy ball and the necklace. My first idea was to send a note with it that said ’Here’s you love back. Enjoy it.’ But then I decided not to. Today I picked a better note. ’There are three things the glitter stands for. One, how many times you lied to me. Two, all the times you make me feel unworthy. And three, all the times I still wish you were mine.’ It briefly crossed my mind to just skip a step and mail them to Caitlyn with the note ‘I believe these are yours.’ but she isn’t the one who hurt me.

6. I argue with flair and songs. All those flair you sent me so long ago… the cute, sweet romantic things you sent to me… I read through those thinking “Ha. Liar.” “Hm, apparently not.” “Forever is a lot shorter than I thought it was.” And at work, songs play over the radio that are just cute love songs and I argue back “He’s lying, honey, don’t believe him. He doesn’t love you.”

7. I still love you. No matter what you do to me, what you put me through, I will always love you. You’re no longer the man I fell in love with but I’m not the girl you fell in love with either. Well, technically, you didn’t fall in love but I’m not the girl you supposedly fell in love with. I’ve gotten over the fact that you hurt me. I didn’t deserve to be broken like that but it happened anyway and I didn’t deserve to lose the one person in my life I truly, honestly cared about but I did. I’m okay now, knowing for sure that you don’t love me. Well, as okay as one can be. I’m not sure what I would say if you ever decided you did want me back but I know that right now, you’re still the only man I want. I can’t imagine even smiling at any other guy. I can’t see how I’ll ever be willing to let a guy hold my hand or how I’ll ever be able to stop comparing every male to you. And let me tell you, the comparisons never come out in their favor. But know that no matter what happens in the future, I will never again give up my life for you. You can never again be the most important thing in my life and you will have to work your butt off before I will ever believe what you tell me.

8. You taught me how to love and how to hurt. You taught me how to believe in someone and how to think everything is a lie. You taught me how to believe in myself and how to believe I don’t deserve love. And after all the pain you caused me, most importantly, you taught me that no one is worth giving up my individuality. I am special and beautiful and strong and intelligent on my own and I don’t need you, or anyone else, around to remind me. You taught me that its not worth it to give someone all your love.

9. I keep rememebering a quote I once read, "If two lovers can remain friends, one of two things is true. Either they're still in love, or they never were." And I wonder... what if one is still in love and the other never was? How does the one in love learn to just... deal with that? How can they remain friends with someone they love when every day it is just rubbed in their face that he is in love with someone else and he is happy without her? I can never decide which I want; Do I want to hear about how happy you are and about everything that happened in your day and everything about her? Or do I want to just block it all out because it hurts so much to know you kissed her, to know you have so much fun with her, and to know that she loves you almost as much, or even as much as I do? I talk to her and I like her, really, she is a great person to talk to and to have fun with and I'm not mad with her in the least. And I hear about you from her, hear that she is happy with you, that you are romantic and funny and you let her take your picture, hear that you hold her and you talk for hours... It hurts so much to hear everything but I can't help but listen and love every word I hear because it is something about you. And I know I would probably feel better faster if I didn't keep shoving it in my face that you're perfectly happy without me but I just can't stop myself. Sometimes I think I would be better off if we just stopped talking; And you say it would hurt you but I honestly, truely believe it wouldn't phase you if we just stopped talking. When I was upset and worried that you didn't care anymore--how ironic--, you use to tell me that I had not been replaced. But I have, even if you don't see it. Now, she is everything to you that I use to be. It doesn't matter if I'm around anymore because she has taken my place.

10. And yet, I can't help thinking, if she means so much to you... If you gave up on us to be with her, why do you still keep things from her? You use to tell me everything; Big, small, important, trivial, fun, happy, depressing, boring, random... It didn't matter, you told me anyway. But you've said more recently to me that there are things she doesn't know about, things that, for the most part, I do know about. So why doesn't she know? Of course, the question also arises of why you don't tell me everything anymore but that question is easily answered by 'Our relationship isn't as important as it use to be, even though it apparently wasn't too deep to start with.' But even so... If you didn't love me and yet still shared so much of your life with me, why will you not share it with her even though she supposedly has your love?